Confessions of a Serial Dieter: Part II

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I’m so sick of striving for change and achieving no change. This is my reality. I always joke that if I weren’t constantly trying to lose weight, there is absolutely no way that I could maintain my weight. It’s like when I try, I stand still.

Now I know I have made huge changes in the fitness department. In fact, being proficient at most exercises Kelsey throws my way is becoming a victory that I take for granted. When you have been doing a legit workout 3-5 days a week for 11 months (let that soak in… ELEVEN MONTHS PEOPLE) pushing through the pain and leaping onto a box has truly become my second nature.

However, In the last 11 months, my diet has been like a roller coaster ride. I have had more consistent good habits than bad, it’s true. I have actually kicked many bad habits (late night eating, snacking on chips, eating candy and cake almost daily, drinking soda regularly, drinking diet soda like water)… Guys, I have come so far. So very, very far.

Sometimes, as I am jump lunging for days, I don’t even recognize myself. Who is this person? How haven’t I quit? I still remember that fateful day April 15, 2018.  The day I first did BBG week 1. I realized I basically was in a state of atrophy. I should have quit right then, but I just kept showing up for the beating. Instead of stopping, I started challenging myself in new ways. What? Who even is this??!

Related Posts: BBG: An Overweight Girl’s Review

Then I look in the mirror, and realize I still have so much progress to make. I know lots of fat has turned to muscle, but my gut still jiggles and sags and my legs look the same to me. I know it’s not exactly the same, but I look like I always have. AND IT IS SO DISCOURAGING. Since starting BBG I have lost a mere 10-15 pounds in 11 months! I have gained and lost the same five pounds probably 20 times. Now, I could be down at least 10 more if instead of losing and gaining, I just kept losing! Sigh.

I have tried many different eating types, I’ve found people on Instagram that started out looking like me and now look like professional athletes. I’ve asked them how they are eating, and I’ve done it…until I can’t stand it anymore. Then I fall apart, usually in the form of a 4 day food free for all that includes the trifecta of pizza, burgers with fries, and Mexican all while eating a slew of desserts. Next, I self loathe a little while and complain to my friends that if I just wouldn’t do that, I’d be where I want to be. Finally, I wake up and start some sort of self control eating again, but IT KILLS ME TO LIVE THIS WAY. I’m disappointed in myself, but I go on, have some diet wins and failures and repeat.

It’s just, I truly do not know how to change my diet and actually lose this last 25-30 lbs (update 12/12/19: I didn’t know how to change it until I read this book, and have lost 18 pounds since this moment!) I have goals: I want to run the San Francisco Marathon in 2020, I’d love to smoke my sister in a foot race (haha!), I want to wear a t-shirt without it clinging to my fat roll, and I want to lounge around a beach or pool without being self conscious. I will feel free this way, even if I am the whitest girl on the beach with some loose skin and stretch marks, I promise you I won’t feel self-conscious. Those are things that I can’t naturally change, so I am not worried about them.

But this weight thing is something I can change. I truly just can’t seem to do it right now. Don’t know why, but the Lord knows I’m always going to keep trying. Eventually I have to get there, right? Maybe some changes don’t happen on our own timelines and I need to be ok with that. I don’t know.

That sums up exactly where I am. Comment below if you understand this problem or are going through this too. As for now, I’m gonna get up tomorrow and try to be better with the eating, and just keep on keeping on in the gym. Wish me luck.

Update: 4 days ago I said, “Happy New Year!” to myself and decided to make some changes (once again to my diet). I am currently not eating wheat, sweets, or fried food while keeping my calories around 1500 and trying to hit macros. My macros are 30% protein and 35% fat and carbs. So far so good, but don’t worry, there will most likely be a Part III to this never ending saga.