The Unexpected Surprise at the “End” of My Weight Loss Journey

I didn’t see this coming…

I’m sitting on the better side of a 65 pound weight loss, and things are not as “better” as I thought they’d be at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy and proud. I set goals, and I smashed them. I’ve lost SIXTY-FIVE pounds…I mean, I can barely lift that dumbbell off the rack at the gym, but I used to lug that weight around with me everywhere I went.

Of course I’m thrilled to have taken all that unnecessary pressure off of my poor joints. Plus, if I’m being completely honest, my face did not carry that weight well. When I smiled I felt like I was suffocating beneath my double chin. These days when I smile I just feel beautiful.

I used to be so ashamed of my inability to lose weight throughout my extensive, heartbreaking dieting past. It’s amazing that I’ve finally managed to lose most of the weight I’ve battled with all my life. I always wanted – and tried to lose weight- but mostly failed, losing a small amount with each attempt. But now I’ve actually done it! The back and forth between all those diet attempts was a constant mental strain and frustration.

It was like I had a split personality. All my life, the fit person inside me who wanted to be in shape, run fast, and keep up battled the foodie in me who only wanted to bake and eat decadently all the time. I always let the foodie win, because it was easier, while secretly wishing the fit person would somehow magically emerge victorious.

Entertaining that eternal, internal struggle was exhausting. Now, having given these two personalities the permission to coexist, I’ve gotten results and feel perfectly balanced, and I am beyond thrilled by this development. 

I am happy, but I’m also feeling discontent.

This weight loss journey has been chock full of unexpected twists and turns, so I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked by yet another. Seeing my “new” body in the mirror recently sent my mind through the wringer. The body I envisioned I’d have after losing 65 pounds, and the body I actually have after losing 65 pounds are completely different. 

148…is this what you look like? Not just 148, but 148 and in great shape. I am strong and capable, I lift heavy, and I run many miles every week. Is this body the prize for all my hard work and dedication? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a tad bit disappointed.

When this weight loss journey began all I really wanted was to get to the low 160s. I would be “happy” there. The day I weighed in at 164, I decided I would be able to lift heavier and run farther and faster if I lost another 10 pounds of fat. Guess what happened at 150…I still wasn’t happy.

Now I’m trying to figure out where the heck I will be happy?!

Is it 5 more pounds? 10? The same weight, but less fat and more muscle? Will I ever be happy? I kicked my goal weight to the curb because I just don’t know what I’ll weigh when I finally find what I’m looking for…if I ever do. 

I truly believed all my body woes would be solved when the scale clicked over into the 140s. Yet here I am, still trudging along, trying and hoping and wishing. I’m sure if you are on a weight loss journey, too, you understand. We romanticize the ideal, thin body we have pictured in our minds. We have no reason to believe that our hard work and sacrifice would result in anything less than this perfect body at the end of the weight loss rainbow.

Thinking back, I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t legit believe I would look like the edited version of JLo you see in magazines: no cellulite, toned arms, glorious curves, and clothes that hugged them perfectly. Maybe that very, unrealistic expectation is the root cause of my current disappointment.

On the other hand, I feel kinda justified in my feelings.

I mean, I have worked REALLY hard to get here. Really, really hard. Between the incalculable number of workouts I have done, and the blood and sweat I have shed in the last 4.5 years to get here, by now I should have six-pack abs and arms that would make Brooke Shields jealous. Naturally, when I look in the mirror, I’m a little confused.

I see legs that trained for and ran a half marathon, and have kept running for over a year and a half…covered in cellulite. How does that happen? I have done every leg exercise you could think of with these gams. Weighted squats, sit squats, jump squats, split squats, Bulgarian squats…so. many. squats. Lest we forget all the lunges, presses, and deadlifts. And this is the result?

I see arms that curl, lift, and fly day in and day out…covered in flab. I have shoulder issues so I’m unable to train and build my arms how I’d like. And let me tell you, it gets me DOWN. Despite my injury, however, I have spent well over a year focusing hard on what I can do. Why are my results so meager? 

I see a stomach that has done more crunches, ab bikes, and planks more than I can comprehend…covered in rolls. Now, I went into this knowing my stomach wasn’t going to “wow” me when I was done. I fully expected loose skin after 3 kids and a 65 pound weight loss, BUT, I’m annoyed because I’m holding onto more weight in my midsection than I expected to at this point.

Unfortunately, I can’t choose where the weight comes off, and unfortunately, my weight keeps dropping right off of my chest, and hanging onto my stomach for dear life. I can see the ribs on the front of my chest, yet I can grab a great big handful of belly fat at the same time. WHY?

At another point my goal weight was 150 pounds, but the closer I got, the more I was like, “What the heck?!?!” What do I have to do to lose belly fat, and tone my arms and legs? I have come so far, lost so much, and worked so hard to get here that it seems totally impossible. I have been STRUGGLING to accept where I am and where I may never be. 

So that’s what happened this month

Needless to say, when I saw my reflection recently, my mind spiraled out of control and into a nice little funk. I have been deeply frustrated that I have been focused on this weight loss process for literally half my life, and I still haven’t gotten exactly what I want. This realization has been one of the most challenging mental hurdles of my entire weight loss journey to date.

But I know one thing for certain: this is part of the process. Sometimes your mind will make you feel like you have made zero progress, look the same, haven’t accomplished anything, and that there’s no point to any of it. You will want to quit, because change is hard. It gets easier, but it’s never easy. You might entertain the idea of going back to your old ways, because it was easier back then. It was easier than this.

It’s actually kinda hard to sit here writing this because I’m aware there are bigger problems and more concerning situations in the world at the moment. This is actually a weight-loss victory story… being overshadowed by a petty problem, which isn’t really a problem at all. Nonetheless, however stupid and small, it’s still a problem for me, and I need it to be seen and heard so I can move on.

I’m sharing this because I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way. Having to look upon my new body with the same radical acceptance I gave my old one is an unexpected plot twist. It’s been a shock, as I never dreamt that disappointment would be my plus-one to my goal weight celebration. 

Nobody warned me that this was a possibility, and I want you to be prepared – just in case.

No matter what the scale says, there will be things you don’t like, but must accept. This is normal, and you aren’t alone. There are so many physical and mental stages the body and mind go through over the course of a weight loss journey. Many of them could derail you, if you let them.

But instead, fight through them. Embrace each stage, work through each emotion, and keep pushing yourself forward. Because the other side, this side, is worth the fight – even when it’s not exactly what you thought you were fighting for.

In need of someone to fight alongside you? Join “Moms Kids” – a weight loss support group for laid-back non judgmental dieters. Interested in approaching weight loss differently? Check out “Mom’s Challenge.”

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